Chapter 9. Elle and I

-M4tV3RPvAplIt’s been over two months since my insight I was ready for The One. And since I extended this 100 day challenge with a new one, which included publishing my books, writing erotica, and keeping an offline diary.
I won’t bother you with the details, but I ended up committing to two huge projects for my yogastudio – YouTube videos as well as a Dutch online yoga program, The One is not in sight, and I have no idea where my diary is. And erotica? Countless encounters with Mister Big stayed off record. And not just because they involved things that require a whole new level of self-acceptance before I’m ready to share them.
The only 100 day promise I kept, was to work on my books. Which was not accidentally, also my priority.

The books are created online, which means you can read them through this link.
Yes, you’re welcome sweetheart.

Because my work is autobiographical, editing my books means I m rereading my man quest, man trouble, man desires from eight years back and beyond. And two things stand out. No three. Three things stand out.
1. I m never jealous if I suspect or know a man has someone else
2. I have a weak spot for unavailable (read: taken) men, which has “deteriorated” with age.
3. I keep wishing for an available, single man
I am embarrassed to say I never saw the conflict here, until I read this article about compersion.

Compersion is described as “A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”
It’s a fine line between compersion and candaulism- the latter often described as arousal (instead of joy) from another being involved in sexual activity (not relationship).
The urban dictionary stresses the two are separate things, and even strips compersion of any sexual meaning, by saying “it’s comparable to the joy a parent feels when their child gets married”
Okay, thank you for that horrible comparison.

The article I referred to holds a definition of compersion I prefer: to get aroused (not just feel joy) from basically the idea, or knowledge, that your partner is having sex with someone else. I m still weary at including getting aroused from the other being “romantically involved”, as is the writer from that article. I think it’s clear to everyone that the more involved a partner is with this person, the higher the stakes. The more chance jealousy will win, and things will turn ugly.

I m not saying I don’t see myself doing that – being aroused by him having a relationship. It’s just that I understand why there seems to be a desire to separate either:
– your partner having sex with someone else and you being aroused
– or your partner having a second relationship and you being joyful
And the urban dictionary does that by giving the first the name candaulism and the second compersion, and the writer of the article does it by describing how the whole experiment started with “the absolute gut-level assurance that my boyfriend loves me more than I ever dreamed possible”. Clearly she’s after the first scenario, and not joyful at all over the idea of her partner starting a second meaningful relationship.

New Sexual Preference discovered

So even though I think the writer of the article could have gone with candaulism, what opened my eyes is that it shone a completely different light on the whole concept of open relationships. Between her sentences, describing how she and her boyfriend were in this together and how she took part in selecting the new partner, I discovered a whole new species… a whole new sexual orientation.
The compersionist.
Just like there are dominants and submissives, a cheater has a counterpart, or ideal partner if you wish, that everyone has failed to identify: the compersionist.
Someone who likes the idea of you having other partners. Like the dominant and the submissive, the compersionist and the cheater are like yin and yang. Like the hero and the vilian, they need each other. When matched to others they are dysfunctional, but together they make the perfect match.
The compersionist is the counterpart of the cheater, that no one, as far as I know, has managed to identify. She, or he, is really the missing link in our view on relationships.

Because I m going to take this one or two steps further down than the article:
a compersionist doesn’t want to cheat herself or himself.
I ll admit that I see myself capable of having two meaningful relationships (so maybe that makes me a cheater). But I’m not interested in flings, nor will I ever do something in secret.

And I think it’s partially because I don’t want to cheat, or see lovers for myself, that the term “Open relationships” gives me the creeps. They sound, equal. And like they would benefit from a script, a stage, clearly defined roles, and someone in charge. The reason I defied open relationships was never because I resisted the idea of my partner having someone else but because I wasn’t interested in messy, emotional dramas or naked strangers walking around in my house.

“Open relationships” had a nudist 70s ring to it, that was so deafening I failed to notice their quality. And managed to miss the preference I failed to see in myself. Until at age 44 I m revisiting my diaries, and notice:
1. I m never jealous if I suspect or know a man has someone else
2. I have a weak spot for unavailable (read: taken) men, which has “deteriorated” with age.
3. I keep wishing for an available, single man
And on the same day I read an article on compersion or candaulism, or however you want to call it, and suddenly I m like:
1. the reason you’re not jealous is because you totally get off on your guy and other women
2. the reason you prefer men in relationships is because they have another woman
3. the reason you don’t have an available, single man is because he could fail to cheat on you, and you’d hate that.

Just like I like to be play-raped, and play doctor, and love watching Stoya’s beautiful little pussy, I need a guy to have someone else. Sure- it would be great if I was number one. But being number two is a guarantee he has sex with someone else. And basically in an emotionally and physically non-threatening way.

I ve had this knowledge 24 hours now. So it’s hard to see the full extend of this. And if, how or when, I ll ever make a hard limit of being a man’s number one, and be with someone who is (3) single and available to me.

But I do understand that although I still desire that King and Queen, regal relationship, where we are indeed equal, that doesn’t mean I have a desire to behave the same. To have the same rights, and the same responsibilities. That my sexual preference runs way deeper than “not jealous” and is in fact something that needs to be nourished, and honored. Just like I have always honored his desire to have secrets. And his marriage will have my respect, now more than ever. Now that I realize why I chose him.

I remember a conversation I had with Big. Could be a year ago, but it’s something that comes up frequently. I always say to him: “If we ever get a normal relationship, I m giving you one task. One responsibility. It’s to make sure our life is never boring.”

Somehow I think he’s up for that.





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