Lauren’s 100 Day Tutelage has ended and she is now on a quest writing erotica & a private diary. Which proves to be a flamboyant combination.
I always wondered why Big didn’t leave his wife. I wondered every time we had The Best Sex Ever. Which was often. I wondered every time I could feel his jealousy. I wondered after I caught him drunk and he poured all withheld love over me. And stood by it even after he sobered up although he could never utter the words again. I wondered on the rare days his marriage seemed over because his wife was finally pushing through with the divorce. I wondered with every snippet of how they communicated and knew we would do so much better. And that he knew we would. Until it all boiled down to that same thought over and over:
What the fuck is keeping you so long?
But it was always a silent question.
On a torrential rainy morning I was figuratively struck by lightning. Mister Big had been the perfect lover for eighteen months. The one I had envisioned in 2006 when I broke with my long-term partner to find him. The other. The masculine, strong, independent soul with whom I could have love, intimacy and amazing sex, for the natural lifespan of the relationship. There was one tiny demand Mister Big never met but because it was so futile, given the grand scheme of things and the euphoria of finally finding someone who was sexually my equal, I never made a big deal out of it.
The small detail was: Mister Big was not available.
I wondered why he didn’t choose me. Of course I did. But I wasn’t convinced it would make our relationship, and certainly not the sex, any better if he left his wife.
But what I missed is this:
by not being available our affair would have an unnaturally long life.
At this rate we would still want to jump on each other age 95.
For a while I thought that would be okay. I had set out to find my perfect lover. I had found him. And we would ride it out having occasional sex and constant wondering why he didn’t choose me. Fine. Close enough to what I wanted right?
But this week I thought about the situation a little deeper. And about what I really wanted. Not “wanted out of this” but “wanted” as in: if you get three wishes then what are they. Or in my vocabulary: if you can manifest anything you desire (and I believe I can) what would you manifest?
Before I share my conclusions, let me explain a little bit about the manifestation train I was on. I m on a 100 Day Anais Nin challenge: writing my diary (offline) and writing erotica (here). The purpose of this challenge is to self-reflect and nurture my creative writing, but also to become more conscious of what it is I want. Top of my list: I wanted to publish my books but had a 7 year deep publishing block. A little more than a week into my challenge I got a clear insight, a vision, how to do the layout of the books. I took off editing and knew with absolute certainty I would finish this. I had it nailed. Over 90 days left and the biggest problem was already solved.
“That was easy!” I exclaimed. “What else do I want to solve?”
So I said “my love life”.
Since I was clueless what I wanted, I just gave the whole package over to the Universe. I said: “Today I will do this and that, and you (Universe) are to figure out my love life.”
I expected a clear vision of the layout for my love life. And riding my bike on a rainy day, there it was! Less than 48 hours after I had given Universe the assignment.
I saw I was in a relationship with a man. One. I can say I wouldn’t mind two (and name them) but there really was only one. I could see him being either Big or Benjamin (still owe you an introduction on him. Suffice to say Benjamin is about as available as ice cream in the Sahara) but I knew Universe doesn’t give you names and faces. It gives you the feeling of being in that relationship.
And I saw myself totally acting my age. A sexy and mature woman. A queen. Unwavering. Deserving. Confident. This was a different phase of my life.
My thirties had been about my coming of age sexually, but I was now ready for the next step. I needed a new challenge: to be in a perfect relationship.
I saw a king and a queen: equal and regal. We were a team and as a team we got better at our game. We celebrated our victories and achieved things neither one of us could have done alone. Like any couple we would have the challenge of keeping our sex life alive, but I saw that as a challenge in a good way. One you grow from. It was exactly like looking for the perfect lover when you have enough sexual fears to paralyze you forever. And since I had successfully passed that test and was still enjoying the fruits of it with Mister Big, I was confident having a relationship and keeping it in supreme condition was something I would find enjoyable.
I cycled on through the rain, grateful for the vision I received and delighted with this unexpected change of my life. I said: “Today I will teach my classes and go see a movie with friends. And I want you to find me The One.”
This time it will not take 8 years to find him.