Chapter 3. Face to Face

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Background info: This blog is based on the book The Sexual Teachings of the White Tigress by Hsi Lai.

Two weeks into my White Tigress experiment the results were apparent. My mind was clear, my house was clean, and my teeth were doing significantly better. I was doing better. After ten years of struggling I decided to quit my home yoga practice, as far as I had one. But I let go of the resolution to have a home practice. I planned on a new yoga class so I would do more yoga, with my students. Just like I always had the past 13 years, but I had refused to acknowledge that home yoga stopped bringing me joy since then.

I gained a key insight for my love life: I m with my lover, not because he is perfect. Nor is the situation perfect. But my feelings are. When I m with him, I become this superwoman version of myself, that I have longed to be my whole single life. The same woman who keeps her house clean and revitalizes her business with new and fresh ideas.

I even kept notes around the house reminding me I could be her, whenever I wanted. That she was not exclusive for time I spent with my lover. Just like the White Tigress who was known for her sexual contact with men, I was also a hermit. A spiritual practitioner. Just like the White Tigress, I was deliberately identifying with the person who I wanted to become. The White Tigress wants to become a playful, teenager, and restore her youth and vitality. I wanted to be a sexual savvy business woman. And two weeks into my White Tigress program, I had become one.

I was amazed at how quickly I had grown into the part. Now this had not really happened overnight. Nor in two weeks. If you read my other blog you will see that 2015 was a year-long study of how to become Her. But where she had been more or less an idea then, I was living her now. I could feel her. After an entire year and two months of creating the idea of her, of letting it take shape, of living her when I was with him; I had now become her.
I had access to this poised, wise, courageous woman, who had control over her own emotions and dental cavities alike.

Until I relapsed. For 48 hours I worried by day, worried by night, I was anxious but felt high on adrenaline and sleep deprivation. Which was a good feeling. Toxic, but in a sedative way. Like drinking too much. On a physical level my teeth were still doing great, but after weeks of being lovely, my boobies were throwing a tantrum. A dormant breast infection seemed to have flared up again.

How was it possible that in 48 hours I had collapsed from being superwoman, to being a worrying middle-aged woman?

The destructive power of your own mind

This is a lesson I learned last year, from Elizabeth Gilbert. It is by far the most practical spiritual advice I can give to anyone suffering from anxiety, low self-esteem, relationship problems and any kind of destructive behavior.
Elizabeth Gilbert compares the mind with a border collie: it needs something to do. If it gets bored it will wreck the couch, dig a hole in your living room floor and bite the mail man.
Now imagine what a bored tiger will do…

Gilbert’s theory can be summarized that any sign of mental unbalance, boils down to one thing: lack of purpose.
Purpose is being on a training program;
purpose is writing every morning;
purpose is studying;
purpose is committing.
Purpose is living the life of your dreams teaching yoga and being on a 100 day White Tigress challenge.

White Tigress: a woman who stays youthful by regularly having oral sex with men.

And then it hit me: the memory of my lover coming in my face. That was the moment I had started to feel so fucking amazingly fantastic.

Suddenly I knew exactly what I lacked.
And it wasn’t purpose.

 

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